he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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