Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
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hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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