my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
