my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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