I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
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2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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