There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
