sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
