He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
