And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
