fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
