I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
