I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
