You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hippo gnu deer
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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