I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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