Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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