college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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