Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
