are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
