is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
