Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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