Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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