as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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