This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
