just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
