just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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