Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
