I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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