The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
