I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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