My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
