I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
