highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
