I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Life is so much better after having sex.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
