Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
