I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
