Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
