Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
