i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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