i jhust puked up my retainher.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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