remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
