Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
