What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
