my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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