my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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