I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
