i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
