There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
