shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
