The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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