apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
