i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
