I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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