Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
