$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
