I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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