Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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