So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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