Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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